I'm SO TIRED.



I have no idea why I have no energy. I am trying to do too much, I guess. But I need to work in order to keep out of the house -- staying home is even more exhausting because that means spending time around my family -- plus I really need the money. On the days I don't work (which are few and far between) I am trying to see my friends or doing things for my family ... there's always some reason to be on the run. I can't remember the last time I had a day entirely to myself but I'm pretty sure it was while I was still in Scotland.

I feel wound up. There's this feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels just like when I'm stressed, but I don't really have anything to stress about. I'm just so tired, and one minute I can be fine, then the next I feel like I'm barely holding myself together. I feel like I'm made up of little pieces that are falling away one by one while I drag myself from one day to the next.

It's not even a mood thing. I don't generally feel much of anything. Not miserable, not sad... I can feel happy and I do quite a lot, but it's a muted happiness, and I can't tell you the last time I felt true joy. I can't concentrate on ANYTHING, which means I'm not writing, which means all my thoughts are trapped inside my head. It's like those thoughts consume so much of my energy that there's none left for my body, if that makes sense. I'm just ... slowed down. My thoughts are on repeat -- all I can think about are my failed relationships, my loneliness, the emptiness of my life, the latest stress my family has caused, and I'm so caught up with those thoughts that I can't even get my body to lift a pen to write them down. Can your thoughts exhaust you and leave you too tired to even get them out? Too tired to even feel anything anymore?

Today I heard a song by Jack's Mannequin, and this is the first verse:

Oh my God, this hurts like hell
I had that dream again where
I was lost for good in outer space
Tell me, doctor, how to shake
A waking nightmare that is only
Worse when I am sleeping

I can't stop listening to it. It's everything I want to express, but can't. I feel so trapped inside my own head.