I do think my feelings of safety were triggered, for sure. And it brought up a lot of old feelings of "I don't really matter anyway, to ANYONE". Two big, deep hurts. Old feelings for sure, but present-day ones too.

T left me a message first thing this morning. He said that whatever the reason, it just sucked that my appointment had to be canceled. He said yesterday was incredibly hard, and he totally understands my reaction...we've been talking a lot lately about how hard this time of year is with the inconsistency, and then all of the stuff I have going on in my life. Bad timing. He said it's totally understandable that I would have strong feelings about it - but the bottom line is "we're good" and to not worry about him and me (he's not mad)...but to pay attention to all of the emotions that welled up and where they are coming from. He said it's just a hard, hard place...but not to let it derail all of the good work we're doing. He said we'll keep moving forward, and not to worry about it. He knows my schedule, so he remembered to tell me to have fun at my guitar lesson today. For some reason, the fact that he remembered that made me feel better. I guess because it makes me feel like a "real" person to him after all.

I called him later and asked if we could touch base on Friday, so he is going to call me on his way home from work on Friday so we can chat. And we are going to do a 90 minute appt on Tuesday instead of 60 minutes, just to get back in the groove.

SO. I guess I've decided to let myself need him after all. Part of me (teen, I'm sure) is skeptical, but I've worked so, so, so, SO hard to get to the point I'm at in therapy, and I just don't want to give up. So, onward I march.

Spotted Owl...thanks for the tree idea. I like the idea of grounding myself in something solid, and of course, something outside in the sun and air and trees and dirt is the thing that grounds me more than anything else.

I have had a migraine for DAYS and it finally got so bad last night that I just couldn't function anymore. So I took the money I am NOT spending on T tomorrow when I was supposed to have an appt and got a massage today to see if it would help my head. A friend volunteered without me even asking to come and watch my boys AND bring them lunch...it felt like a million pounds lifted off of my shoulders. So I had the massage and was able to make it to guitar lesson. Migraine came back tonight but I am trying everything under the sun to make it go away. I get bad headaches when I'm switching a lot, and I think all of this stress is pushing me over the edge a little.

But I will try to breathe, and trust T, and have my phone call with him, and appreciate the love from my friends, and the support at PC, and get out in nature as much as I can.... Just try to find some hope and hang on to it.