Connor admitted that he didn't want to understand and when I saw him the next day, I bawled my eyes out to him, explaining about the ED voice and how it feels impossible to fight HER because I'll get in trouble if I don't starve because SHE's helping me to lose weight, SHE's helping me to be happy..

I had a wonderful session yesterday with Counsellor and told her that I'd starved for four days. She asked how I'd felt when i did it and she was shocked at my reply and I said that I knew that it was strange that I didn't feel weak, that I felt numb and still kept running up and down the stairs etc and that I still did my usual day to day things, but that my concentration was so bad that even Connor asked if I was drunk! My words were all muddled and backwards and I seemed like I was slurring or something.l.. but it was just because my brain couldn't function.

After crying my eyes out for hours with Connor and him turning into a kind, caring guy again, he tried coaxing me to have some soup. Itried to make myself feel hungry, think to myself 'I feel hungry' like he told me to, but SHE would come back and yell at me that no, I'm not hungry and that no, I will NOT eat unless I want to be the fat, ugly, disgusting elephant that everyone laughs at. Ouch. After a lonnnnnng time thinking about it, I asked Connor to hurry up and get me some soup before she made me change my mind. I was watching a film with him at the time. I was so scared. He asked me what I was scared she'd do and I said that I didn't really know, but I guess I was just scared of her sharp words and he said does that sound like someone that cares? I said no, but she's helping me to feel better by getting me to lose weight faster... Then he said "Do I sound like someone who cares?" and I said yes, but him yelling at me about it all the time and saying that he doesn't want to understand, that his mind wouldn't let him try to because "it's not natural for someone to starve themself" doesn't help me one bit and I guess that sometimes that's why I go to HER because she makes me feel better becaus she's helping me to lose weight and feel better about myself by doing so.

I've not slept properly in ages and I have to have blood tests next week because Counsellor, after I told her that I'd not eaten in four days, said she was concerned and that if I felt I couldn't even eat a cereal bar some days, I'd nee to have blood tests because my potassium levels and such will be dropping quite quickly :-/ I KNOW what the results will be and I just don't want my dr to see them because they'll pick up on an ED and they'll try and force me to eat I'm so scared.

I just want to be okay..

Welcome back, Sannah