so had T today - he made me laugh - he said since I had given up chocolate from last week when we did the visualisation he had eaten lots of it!! - siad it was the first known case of chocolate transference in therapy lol

then we got into heavy stuff...... and it hurt..... and he didnt have a cushion for me to hug (yes I know grow up p7) and I kept changing the subject and he kept changing it back and it hurts..... but he siad i did a great job with the homework and that a lot of people just either read the chapter and dont do the homework or just say its too hard - so he said "well done"

it was so difficult to tell him part of me is still wanting to self destruct when I know he is sick adn is trying to live..... and I wasnt going to ...but he kept asking.... ad I wish I hadnt .... but its the truth - its a small part of me now instead of most of me - but it still self sabotages... in other ways................

this is so hard.... I gave T a copy of the poems I wrote here.... I think that was a mistake...... tooo late now