Guess what scares me is that Cheyenne may someday say "You love me too much!" like my daughter told me. Translated, that meant "You're controlling." I didn't think I was and still don't, but it's not MY perspective that counts. It's my daughter's. I guess most of all, I'm afraid of my own pain.

Maybe because Karla has shut me out of her life and because David isn't close to me is why I feel I still need to prove something to them. I would like it to get back to Karla in the right perspective, well... I've already said it. So maybe she might try making a connection again, no matter how thin or fragile.

Maybe I'm more afraid than anything else of loving a little girl again. The dream made it so clear to me just how deep my pain goes at losing my daughter. It probably wouldn't hurt as bad as if we'd had a good relationship and she had suddenly died. There would be peace in that. Knowing that whenever she thinks of me or talks about it, it's with bitterness that keeps the pain alive.

Yes, I've tried several times to apologize to her but she's remained silent. When she got her master's degree, I gave John a card to give to her. It had the words to "I Hope You Dance" in it, signed "all my love and pride always." John had to talk her into reading it. Silence. Maybe it's the knowledge that she's alive somewhere that keeps the flicker of hope alive.

And what was the meaning of losing Jerry in the dream? Betrayal? He's never betrayed me with another woman, even during the seven yrs we were separated. Do I feel betrayed by Karla or do I feel that I betrayed her in some way?