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I'll start off by saying that I really like my T. I feel really atached to my her, even needy sometimes...but only when she's not around (for example, when I'm emailing her in between appointments or waiting for her reply). When I'm actually in the room with her though, I don't feel like that or act like that at all. I can't figure out why this happens. Any ideas?
I think that part of me does crave the idea of her, in a really young way. But when she's actually in front of me, I can't get past the idea that we're both adults and it would be very strange to, as an adult, act so young. So I don't. I just wish I could feel as connected to her when I'm talking to her as I do the rest of the time. I get much less nervous in sessions than I used to, but I still can't seem to feel things in the moment with her.
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notme9, I quoted your whole post because I could have written the exact thing!!
All through most of 6 years of therapy that happened to me, in various degrees. Whenever I was away from my T, I wanted to be with her, in a very desperate, childish way. But in the session, I almost always acted like an adult and like you, I didn't feel much in the moment with her. But as soon as I left the session and got in my car, the feelings would hit me, and I would often cry. I would think about her all of the time, and sometimes call her, but when I went for my next session I wouldn't feel anything. If I talked about my feelings, they came out much more watered down than they were in my mind, at home.
Why does this happen to us? I know in my situation, I felt too embarrassed/self-conscious to tell my T my real feelings. We are about the same age, so it felt really dumb to talk about my childish yearnings for her. But little by little, I did tell her, especially after I learned more about transference. Then I realized my baby/childish feelings weren't REALLY for her, so it felt okay to talk about them with my T. They were still much stronger at home than with her. It was still difficult to talk about them, but I did. I also wrote her a couple of poems in which I shared those types of feelings.
Have you discussed the problem with your T? At least then she knows what's going on and can help you feel more comfortable with sharing the child part of you. E-mails are good, but in my opinion, if you rely too much on being open with your T in writing, it doesn't help you to be there and feel with her in the session. I found that the only way to conquer my fear and self-consciousness was by doing it, even if I had to look anywhere but at her when I was talking about it. So, hang in there, notme. How long have you been seeing this T? Maybe you just need more time. These things can't be rushed.