Tom: Is there hope? I need a miracle.
Hello Tom,
I will tell you a story I read several years ago that always stayed with me.
The story was about a man and a woman who met in the online environment. For several weeks or months they exchanged many email messages. As a result, they made an emotional connection that deepened to the extent they both felt madly in love with one another. I can't recall if either person was married at the time, what I do recall is the woman's account of finally meeting the "man of her dreams". It went badly. In fact, they couldn't communicate at all. In fact, he kept leaving her presence so he could go to his computer and write to her. This was because he wasn't really in love with her -- he was in love with his idea of who she was. In Jungian terms, we might say she served as the screen for his anima. In your wife's case, her long-distance interest may serve as a screen for her animus projection.
Quote:
Animus Projection: The unindividuated woman identifies with those personal qualities that are symbolically feminine; she develops these potentialities and to some extent integrates their unconcious influences into her conscious personality. However, she does not recognize qualities that are symbolically masculine as part of her own personality but rather projects them onto men. She will project her animus—those particular characteristics and potentialities that are significant components of her personal unconscious and therefore carry a special emotional charge—onto a few men for whom she will then feel a strong and compelling emotion (usually positive but occasionally negative). Infatuation (an instant, powerful attraction for a man about whom she knows little) is one of the signs of animus projection, as is a compulsive possessiveness.
Source: Myths, Dreams, Symbols
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Is there hope? I believe so. There's hope because at one point in time you and your wife loved each other enough to commit to building a life together. You created a family together. You've shared a long and complex history that cannot be recreated with anyone else. It's also possible that your wife is merely in love with a fantasy image that will not be able to stand up to the test of reality.
A site I've recommended to others in your position is this one:
marriagebuilders.com There are a number of free articles and exercises there that can assist couples in crisis. You may want to share that site with your wife and let her know you'd like her to join you in exploring it.
Meantime, it sounds to me as if you want your wife back. You may find that your old marriage dies in this process but sometimes, people can rebuild on the ashes.
If you love your wife, I suggest you tell her. If you are sorry for the things that have occurred in the past, I suggest you tell her. If you don't want to end your marriage, I suggest you tell her.
Here's a few other suggestions for you -- take them or leave them as you see fit.
#1: If there is a spare bedroom in the house, renegotiate your move-out. Move into the spare room instead. (Yes, you can change your mind during times of crisis particularly once you have looked at the cost of maintaining two separate residences for any length of time.) Your wife might be more agreeable to that arrangement if you told her it would be for a limited time frame, perhaps 30-90 days. This will acknowledge your split yet still keep you on the scene where you will serve as a constant reminder that -- yes, she really is considering ending her marriage to the father of her children so she can go live with another man who is a stranger to them.
#2: During this time of "separation" I suggest you resist speaking directly to your wife. Instead, write her. Why? Because
that's what he's doing and something in the intimacy of those written conversations managed to capture her interest. Reverting to written communication at this time also allows you to step back from an emotionally volatile situation so you can better compose yourself before responding to anything she has said -- tempting as it may be, this would not be a good time to lose your temper. In addition, written communications will provide a record of the conversations that occur between you at this time. This may become useful, particularly if any agreements have been made in regard to legal issues.
#3: You need to see a lawyer so you can prepare yourself for the possible legalities that will arise if your marriage actually does come to a close.
#4: Maintain your connection to your children. Unless your wife has been visibly unhappy for an extended period or there has been gross abuse or neglect, your children will likely side with you. Most children, regardless of their ages do not want their parents to divorce. Resist the urge to use this against your wife or your children. As much as possible, take the high road in your interactions with them.
#5: Invite your wife to join you in counseling/therapy but continue to go yourself even if she declines your offer.
#6: Seek out friends and family members (not your children or in-laws) who can offer you connection and emotional support.
#7: Seek out places where you can safely vent. Online sources can be especially good for this because it allows you to preserve your anonymity and to find other people who are going through an experience similar to your own.
I'm sorry that you're going through this painful state. Best of luck to you and your family.
~ Namaste
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