Welcome to PC, glad you're here.

((((((((((((Angua))))))))))))

It sounds like a self-injury addiction. Nothing about what you said sounds weird or bad or out of place, it IS about coping and it IS about the pain. We all do it for different reasons.

Okay, congrats on not SIng for 4 months. That's GREAT!

What about seeing a counsellor? Or talking to your doctor? Having outside help is really necessary to stop, having someone physically THERE to help you through. You don't need to tell the BF, but perhaps you *could* tell him that you're not having a good time right now - and explain it like being addicted to drinking, like an alcoholic. It's sorta the same, and it's usually easier to understand for those who don't understand SI.