If there was ship sinking and I was on that ship, and everyone had to save themselves.. fight for their lives, I would just sit there. I wouldn't try to save myself cuz this would be such a wonderful opportunity and nobody's fault. The problem is.. there is no ship. Nothing is happening.

I'm trying very hard to stay positive, it works, makes me feel good, less anxious, more sociable.. and then I just crash. I'm unable to take off because stupid runway is just too short.

Everything I do, everything I think of, everything I care about is unreal.. Imaginary friends, intangible things, fake smiles, virtual travel, empty mailbox and invisible dinner.. I can't stand sunny days - my eyes hurt, can't drive - too tempting, have endless panic attacks in public transport on the way to work and back, emotional abuse and continuous triggering at home. If I move out.. nice joke lol. I have no idea.. maybe it's time to find out.. Can't just sit there and watch..

wanted to type in some more but suddenly lost interest.. meh
dunno how to whine on
maybe later