Why can't things in my life just be slow and easy? Why does life have to be so hard? I see other people happy, and handleing life in a not dramatic way, so why can't I???
My youngest son graduated last weekend, which should mark an end and a beginning of some eras. Not for me, I see every bad thing that could happen. Tony, came out this year, and is now living the life of a gay man. I have no problem with this at all, but I see the trials an tribulations that he will inevitably run into, and I just want to shelter him from everything. I can't and it frustrates me to no end.
now today, we find out that our land lord is saying we are way behind on our rent. We are not!!!!!! We have to find all our canceled checks and stuff, and I have no idea where to look.I know where I put my stuff, but because i have this fear of paying bills, ( they are just really overwhelming to me), my husband takes care of that stuff. I am in a total panic right now, as my husband is gone to a dr.'s appointment.
Now back to graduation, sort of. I have always felt sort of invisable to my family. Being the youngest of ten kids, I sometimes was overlooked. I now know that I matter nothing to my family. I made sure that Tony's announcements went to every one of my family, and NOT ONE person even responded. No cards, no attemdance to graduation (ten miles), no attendance to the open house. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!!!!! it is one thing to hurt me by being so self involved, but to hurt my kid. NO NO NO!!!!!! The only thing is, I don't feel strong enough to go head to head with them. I feel utterly weak.
What I really want to do, is curl up in bed and disappear from the world.
if I do what I want, everybody will step in and make me go back into the hospital.
I HATE LIFE!!!!! I HATE IT MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT IS PRETTY &*()&^% bad!!!!!!!
bren