Your pills don't own you. I went 29 years without meds, and one year with. They're still not perfect, but my choice was either: no meds and feel miserable and out of control or take meds and at least be functional, if not eventually in a good place.

Say a "normal" person has chemistry levels of 50 in A, B, & C. Well, maybe your A is 23, your B is 67 and your C is 50. What's wrong with taking meds that level off A & B? Same goes for someone with diabetes. Why shouldn't they want their blood sugar and insulin levels to be normal? That doesn't make you a slave to anything. Everyone has some kind of a problem, ours is just with brain chemistry. Some people have arthritis or neck pain or problems with their teeth, etc. They go to a doctor to relieve the symptoms. No big deal.

And we all have days where we want to run away, pull the covers up over our head and pretend like we're not really here, don't exist, and so on. It seems like it will always be this way when we're in the depths of depression, but it won't be. You know that from experience on your good days.

You can do this.

PS, I frequently dissociate from my body. This is fairly common with people who were abused as children or even adults. It's a way to try to escape the pain.