Oh ((((((((((((((googley))))))))))))))))))), that does sound incredibly hard and painful.

This is my first time in therapy, so I don't have any experience in terminating with a T. But I did move across the country about 10 years ago, leaving many many close friends that I truly loved behind. The hardest time was the weeks leading up to my leaving. Knowing it was coming, not knowing what it would feel like, wanting to get as much time as I could with them...it was sad and hard. When we said our last goodbyes and I drove away it was painful.

In the end though, the time leading up to the leaving was the worst part. I did manage to leave with a sense of closure, and when I was in my new location, it felt different. I didn't really "expect" them to be there, so the missing wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I did miss them, but the pain was less than I expected.

Recently, my husband's grandmother, who I loved very much, was dying. We knew it was a matter of days. She lives in a different state, and I had this desperate feeling of wanting to see her "one more time" even though it just wasn't possible for various reasons. Once she passed, I missed her a lot, and I was sad, but in many ways it wasn't as bad as the anticipation of losing her.

I don't know if any of this helps or makes sense. It's just so hard anticipating a loss or a goodbye. Almost worse than the goodbye itself.

I wonder if you could start a letter to T, telling her the things you want to be sure she knows before you go...the ways you've grown, the ways she's helped you, etc? Give yourself enough time to be sure that you say what you need to say.

My heart aches for you...be extra good to yourself during this time of transition. And take those referrals T is giving you... not only is it not a betrayal, but it might help you feel connected to T once you leave, seeing someone that she helped you find.

Lots of to you.