"What did we learn?"

Do you see how it was your child self who drew these perceptions? Do you see how those perceptions were not pure?

Of course, they weren't pure but it was the only way I knew to defend myself. I didn't have the understanding at the time to deal with it in a proper way.

Comes to mind a disagreement I was having with a friend's son when I was trying to teach him how to budget his money. He told me "I've been taking care of myself all my life." What he didn't want to understand was that he was still a child; sixteen, I believe. I was trying to tell him that an adult, with an adult's understanding he could deal with problems in better ways.

Do you see your inability of being able to draw a clear conclusion at an age when all you learned was dependent upon your very abusers?

Exactly, but if I'm reading you right, it still comes back to the fact that a child doesn't have the wherewithal to make clear, thought-out solutions. In my understanding, a child probably doesn't even think of how to protect himself. Something from within takes over.

Then I was able to see how those same questions apply to me and my circumstance.

I'm so glad that you were able to come to those conclusions on your own. {{{{{{Darrel}}}}}} Maybe now you can understand what I said before that upset you. When you said that you have a burden for society's injustices, it really came from within you and the injustices committed against you. When I said you needed to begin with you, that's what I meant; you can't take care of society's injustices until you understand the injustices committed against you. {{{{Darrel}}}}

You can't change Betrixx, but you can change how you react to her. At some later time, you may even be able to understand why she is the way she is.

When I was abused by the old crone, when my mom neglected my spirit, my psyche, I could have turned around and treated my kids the same way. The potential was there. But something inside me told me it wasn't right. Why would I want to hurt my kids the way I had been hurt??

When I was a student in grade and high school, I spent my time daydreaming or talking and getting in trouble. There was good reason, but that's another story. When my youngest was in grade school, it was discovered that he is learning disabled. He was put in Special Ed classes but he was also integrated into the "normal" classes. There was one teacher that just had to have it her way. She felt he just goofed off instead of doing his work. At one parent/teacher conference, she was really ragging on him. I put my hand on his knee to let him know I was with him and that with me, it was okay! I understood. I had been through the same kinds of conferences. The teacher kept shooting daggers through her eyes at me, but I purposely gave them right back to her!! I also had a private talk with her after the conference... and then I took my son out for a late lunch and I told him I understood what he had gone through and why.

Which brings me back to my lack of affirmation/validation from my mother... which is the personal onion I am peeling away at.

This last bit on the board also taught me a whole lot and it also served as a personal affirmation... which is what I really need. I need to believe in myself and my decisions and not replay old tapes that my mother programmed.

I was right in feeling what I did. I know I was! Darrel, you knew you were right, too. Having stood back and watched you in action, I began to understand and accept that just because someone else has a different perspective, it doesn't make it wrong. The other person doesn't have to think exactly like me to be right. I've learned that I am no less for thinking differently. It makes me a unique individual and that's a good thing!

As much as I hate the idea, I've learned to begin accepting the fact that my mother had been beat down by her own mother. She, also, had been invalidated and criticized. Her self-worth suffered greatly, too. She, too, didn't believe in herself. Maybe that's why she didn't trust herself to resolve the conflict. It well could have been fear of yet another personal attack on her. I could go on and on as the possibilities flood my mind, but I think I've made my point.

I've re-learned that those around me are as human as I am and as imperfect. I'm learning to trust again with the full knowledge that I may be let down by those I trust, but that's okay because I'm learning to "be enough" for myself, no matter how painful it could be. I'm learning yet again, that no matter what comes at me, I can deal with it because it doesn't mean that it's all about me.

(whew!)

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still in you.</font color=blue>