Last night my family didn't matter - I didn't want to hurt them, but that wouldn't have kept me from doing so. Today I can't stand the thought of devastating them this way. I don't know what caused the continuum to swing. All I know is I hate my choice is either devestate them or resolve myself to live in this miserable solitude. Or wait until I get the chance for the decision to be off my conscience - a med change, not being "myself." It's all so pointless.

I've obviously made a large plumment in the severity of my depression - ten on the ten-scale, I can see it in my symptoms if nothing else. I want to say I don't know if I'm safe - the truth is I probably know I'm not. I don't want to deal with my parent's disappointment in another hospitalization, which I don't see how it could help. Where can I buy a new personality? Will Medicaid cover it? That's what I need. Medicine is nice, I feel physically better when it's working, but it still leaves me alone.

2 hours, that's when my appointment is. Guess I'll see what my pdoc says. Have only seen her once, but she seems good.

What's it matter.