references to abuse memories, potentially triggering, be careful.


just felt like this was the only place i could share.



it's not just the memories that are bringing me to the verge of panic. it's many mundane things. going to shop for groceries, going out where there are people, staying in with our partner and feeling like he's a hundred worlds away, in a parallel reality and i'm stuck in my little looking glass world wondering if i can trust _any_ of my thoughts anymore.

wondering if the memories were that bad anyway, if they were even real. can't tell anyone, it's way too twisted, it makes it all sound like i wanted it, asked for it. and the thoughts are like "i can't be alive if i'm not the most beautiful and interesting person out here and out there for him", in other words, unreal or a movie star. and i sure as heck don't want to be one.

then i crave for company. but i find it hard to even be in company, i feel more like a savage animal than a human being, capable of independent thought and free will - no. sounds kind of foreign. there's a desperate yearning for acceptance, to be loved for who i am, and right now the only person i can expect that from is my partner - yet he has it very rough as i'm clinging onto him every minute of the day, and the more i try to get a piece of him, the further he drifts... i need to change before i can reach out for that love, but... i feel like i'm going deeper into my vortex of alienation.

and remember what they said - "you don't deserve better", "there's nothing more for you" - and silently shed tears. thousands of streams of burning tears, all painful and none relieving as they should be, for they don't come out. feeling like it's their freaking legacy, to leave me alone for an eternity. so that even with people, the feeling of being utterly and completely alone won't leave me.

no matter how much i switch and blank out and feel like it has cleared my mind, this always returns.

they trusted me enough (psych nurse, pdoc) to let me go to intensive outpatient for the summer, now they're closed and i return in august. i felt good having some activity during the day - 20 more days to go...

confused,
twilight (in essence)