this happens all the time.. friendships, "romantic" relationships, my family.. i do have a somewhat traumatic history of being rejection at some critical points, and i'm sure this has lead me to how i feel now, but i don't know what to do about it.

i think i'm being rejected by the few people who care about me all the time. something dumb will happen. i feel like i'm being left out and they are purposely telling me so that i know, i feel like someone will deliberately not call me back after they said they would, i feel like someone coming home 20 minutes late means they are about to get up and leave my life forever. i know it's overly dramatic and usually it leads to nothing. i freak out, and these freak outs put strain on relationships and inevitably DO cause me being rejected by that person because they cannot handle my neediness when they are doing nothing wrong.

at this stage, i know when i'm "probably" imagining it, and i have learned to keep my mouth shut and not say anything when i think i'm on the cusp of losing someone i care about, but the probably is what bugs me. i convince myself enough to not say anything to them, but i still honestly feel like it's happening and i'm just trying to delude myself or at least not appear like needy idiot, but i still feel terrible pain over it.

i don't know what to do.. i don't want to talk to the people about it because i know i will come across as insane and it's my problem, not theirs, but at the same time i don't want to sit here and sob for hours and hours because i think my best friend hates me, and i know she wouldn't want me feeling that way either, so what do i do? i CANNOT talk to her about it anymore. i have so much already, and i'm just afraid that one more freak out over feeling rejected and ignored is going to throw her over the edge of really not wanting to be friends with me because i am a needy insane freak. i just need a way to fix it myself, rather than project my feelings on her. of course this is not just a problem with her, as i said, it's been all my life and i have lost friendships due to me trying to express how i feel, but i just can't seem to do it properly.

and really, honestly when i am feeling rejected i don't believe it's imaginary. i believe it is true, and i just try so hard to convince myself its imaginary so that i don't freak out too much. it's so ridiculous though because i can't even count the number of times i've laid in bed crying all night over someone only to have them call the next day, totally unknowing how i feel, and apologize for whatever kept them away or anything. so i know i'm ridiculous and stupid and i just dont know how to get over it.