Twilight,

I can hear your "denial" parts or system talking. I had a lot of that inside. I would begin to remember something or I would get feelings and then this calm part of me would begin to say doubting things about what I was thinking. It was so upsetting and for so long it completely s*****d with my head. Eventually I understood that the denial system had actually done some great service for us because if we had looked as damaged as we were we would have attracted sooo much more abuse and it might have been fatal. The trick is for my denial alts to finally understand that they have to stop denying what happened to me, their job needs to change.

By the way, everything you mentioned about your fears are exactly what I go through too. I've heard many people share the exact same things with me too. I learned fear early and deeply inside - it truly was awful for me and awful for you. It felt like my own private concentration camp. As much as I want a normal life back, I fear normal situations. My daughter got married and I had to take anti-anxiety meds to function and handle the 150 people at her wedding reception and several other large parties connected to the wedding. That is not a happy thought, but I am not kicking myself about it because I did better than I have in the past and having weaknesses and needs is not wrong or bad. I get lonely at home and panicky when I'm with people - that feels so messed up and stupid - but I did NOT choose the experiences that taught me so much fear before I could even talk or walk - I will not take on their shame and guilt any more. It was NOT my fault and I am a darn good survivor and I will get well and someday it won't take meds to attend family and social events - used too this would have given me a migraine and i would have missed most or all the fun or been in misery physically the whole time.

Change happens and so does healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was NOT our fault and we are NOT to blame - and neither were you. You are not messed up forever, that is a lie and You are gonna get better. That is why you keep writing in and trying to get better. OK, off the soapbox for now. I just feel very strongly about some things I could not believe for such a long time!

Leslie and her awesome pixies