Now I've started to make a thinspo poster. What the hell am I doing??? Just.. WHAT??? I don't understand!! I never did this before! but now... I'm going out and buying magazines, pasting the pictures onto card and pinning it up on my wall.. Why? Because I want to make myself feel fat so that I continue to starve... Feeding the ED voice, making me starve myself.. She told me to do thia and I feel powerless to resist

ARGH why am I doing this to myself? To Connor?? To Jsut F-CKING EVERYONE??!!!!! I don't matter, it's everyone else that matters! Everyone else that I'm hurting! Why?? Why, Why WHY??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm falling.. And there's no-one to catch me and nothing to break my fall

God help me this weekend. I have to go to Connor's, we are rehearsing for a gig on the 5th August and I know that he's going to want me to eat more, I know he thinks it's easy for me just a matter of "eat and everything's fine" but it's not. He's finally agreed to see someone from SWEDA to talk about how my behaviours are making him feel.

I just feel like I'm doing everything wrong, like I'm just slipping backwards constantly and I just don't understand why. I was really quite ill over the weekend. Connor had to practically carry me to hospital because my legs were so red raw and they think it's eczema. Even though the last time I had that was when I was about 4 and that was on my arm. So yet more illnesses and medications/creams to take/use and it's all just putting the icing too thickly on my cake.

So why don't I stop? Why don't I just let someone else take the control? ... Because if even I can't have the control, then no-one else can because if I don't have it, how can they possibly take it away from ME? They'd have to take it away from HER and SHE's not going to give it up. Noooo way.

So.. What the hell am I doing and why am I doing it? I'm so, so ******* confused and I just don't get it!!! What happened to this kid?!?!
I'm a mess

Why do I even bother anymore? I remember Connor crying on Saturday night, telling me the reason he got so angry about my eating is because he's terrified that I'm going to starve myself to death... And you know what? I told him I wouldn't and he's not going to lose me.. But I will if it means I'm going to be thin. That's how SHE makes me feel. I have to carry on no matter how close to death I am I don't want this! I don't want any of it! I hate it!!! Even my GP said "You never have it easy do you? But you're coping so, so well..." NO I'm not!! Yeah I may still be here, but no!!! I'm not coping well! I'm not f-cking coping at all! I just wish I were dead, with my Dad, Foster Dad, friends. Everyone else would be better off then

Please... Just let me be free...

I'm sorry... I just needed to get this off my chest and I just don't know what to do.. I have no-one to talk to about it at all and it's killing me..

Hope everyone's okay

xxx