the headache that never ever goes away,

the days rolling into each other, dragging on and the boredom not having much of an effect after a while because you cant remember when you last werent bored,

the feeling of nothingness and yet total sadness and being alone... the numbness and the pain....

the lack of ability to care and the not being able to stop caring about why im here, why im going, not wanting to do anything at all other than be alone.

the thoughts that say i should cease to live yet reason and everyone around me telling me to live... and yet i cant understand why but i have to.

the hopelessness, the incapability to sleep properly and ever wake up feeling anything other than tired, everything being unappealing... the appetite that you want, because you constantly feel so sick but so hungry. the incapability to concentrate, remember, focus, get on with my life.

the feeling of being pathetic, totally useless, totally worthless - and guilt, the constant guilt for utterly everything you do - including being depressed.

the people around you getting hurt, getting dragged down, and you know that its all of your fault and maybe if you didnt exist life would be so much easier for everyone. the shame of being depressed and the incapability to cope in situations that most can cope in.

the knowing what i should be feeling yet not feeling it; being hugged and feeling nothing, doing something "good" and feeling nothing, just being so alone...

the stuckness.

the defeat.


i am;

... i cant even remember any more.
i used to be of "above average" intelligence, or so i was told... then my grades slipped down and down and down...
i used to be awake, i think... i used to feel alive....

but i dont know what i am any more...
maybe im just.... overtaken by depression? it seems that that is all that my "life" is nowerdays.

i cant understand what people mean when they say that exercise is a natural antidepressant... i just feel even tireder, more defeated.

my counsellor has the flu and has had it for the past week... so i havent seen her in a while and i most probably wont see her for another week at least.

i need to rant, to vent, to talk to somebody about how i am.

i'm supposed to talk to someone at the centre about school next year... i feel like the stress of that would make life completely unbearable and that i would eventually - and probably quite quickly - do something "stupid".. because i know that i cant cope with that. hell, i am literally struggling to get through each day as it is... and yet if i tell anyone how i feel they will definitely percieve it as being laziness, like every other teenager. school is a straw that would definitely braek the camels back;

99% of the time, everyone that knows forgets that im depressed. yes, i know that i cant be wrapped up in cotton wool and i shouldnt be getting special treatment but even i can understand that im not like most teenagers. i have come so close to doing "something stupid" before... and its terrifying. and i simply cant cope like others can.

thats another thing... i just turned 16... and i couldnt get why its a big deal. just another day. i felt guilty for getting presents and pretending to be pleased and excited and all.... because inside i just wanted it to be over, i didnt want a birthday.

Been thinking a lot about attractiveness, about guys, about love... i am nowhere near the ideal. my "body shape" is an inverted triangle, the most masculine. screwed there.
weight is important - weight myself today, 10st 3. havent got the motivation for a diet and im not eating or exercising much... the latter probably isnt helping.
a beautiful face, nice boobs and a nice butt.
oh feck i'm screwed.

a thing thats supposed to help with confidence is to find your good points and focus on them.... i REALLY havent got ANY. thats not me being a melodramatic teenager - my reflection literally makes me want to cry. i am uglier than anyone i have ever seen. i shun mirrors..
so im basically worth jack all to my boyfriend because, lets face it, physical attraction seems to be the only thing guys care about.