I'm not even underweight though, so they won't do anything.. I'm on AD's at the moment and we're still waiting for them to take effect.

The staff at the hospital said it's probably down to my immune system not functioning as well as it should be, although they don't knwo about my ED. I didn't say anything about it, I didn't feel it was important.. Even if I have lost a stone... It took me long enough.

My dr probably wouldn't do anything because I'm not underweight. I won't allow myself to eat anything now. This morning was the last time until I next see my counsellor... At the earliest

I know that others have got fed up of my ED and want me to stop starving myself so much, I knwo that they want me to just be normal, I know that they want all of these harmful behaviours to stop, but I just feel like I can't stop now. I did before... At least.. I tried to, but I just keep slipping back and everytime I do, it just gets harder and harder to get out. This time, I feel I'll never get out. So therefore I feel like there's no point in even trying to get out until someone else takes that control.

You know.. I don't even care if this kills me, or comes close to kiling me... Connor bawled his eyes out to me the other night and said he's scared of losing me... I asked in what way and then said "Is it because you think I'll starve myself to death?" and he agreed... I told him, promised him that I won't, but I knew.. Deep down, in my heart of hearts that I would do it if only it means I'll be thin and in control. I'd rather die than be who/what I am right now. Be as fat as I am now. Be just.. This disgusting, ugly, horrid thing that nobod wants to be around.

I just feel like crying. But what's the point when no-one's here with me that even cares? That even knows why I'd be crying? That even wants to know, care or try to understand?? I just feel like giving up. I give up on food. It just makes me feel awful.

Thanks for your replies and again.. I'm sorry