I have read all of your messages and I want to encourage you. You are still very close to the affair and so you should expect a lot of emotional turmoil and grief. It WILL get better. My therapist said it can take up to 2 years to feel "normal" again. She was right. It helps to think about the other man in a very objective rational way. Be brutal about the relationship and realize that it was wrong and only temporary. The jealousy is there, and yet, tell yourself that you shouldn't be surprised that he would be with other people. You were with someone else the whole time. He had to share you with your husband. Why should he be faithful to you when you were not faithful to him (by staying with your husband) or faithful to your husband. An affair is a fantasy relationship that meets only part of your needs. It can hardly ever end in a positive way. I think you are right for working on your marriage and you are absolutely in no way ready to share this with your husband. There may come a time in the future that you can tell him, but you really need to first get grounded yourself and build on your marriage.
The best thing to do is focus on all the negative things about your lover when you start to "reminisce". Don't allow yourself to think about him in fuzzy glowing light. Treasure the positive things and leave them in the past. Tell yourself that when you are an old woman you can think about him, but right now...don't. Try to focus on all the positive things about your husband and look at your children and tell yourself that they are worth it. Make it work for their sake even if you don't have a lot of warm feelings towards your husband. I have many more things to share with you, but maybe you can e-mail me privately. Hang in there, honey. God Bless!