Quote:
Originally Posted by AlteredState01
Yes, exactly. I do crave constancy, yet I keep driving it away. People can only take so much crap, you know? And the everyday cycles of life seems to compound into a deep sense of futility. I have a hard time dealing with the realities around me. And I desperately try to escape, but how does one escape from life, yet continue to live (not in any way a threat, just an existential conundrum I grapple with in my head alot).
Listen to me? Can I get any more self-centred? And so dramatically at that?
Nothing has changed for me. I live in my head, practicing this illness prescribed to me (quite accurately, I should add), and I never move forward. I am stuck in this cycle of emotions and overwhelming thoughts. It's so freaking tiring! And boring. And lonely. I'm so very lonely.
That's probably the worst part of this illness for me, the loneliness of mind and heart and body... It separates me from everything in life. How can one not help but be depressed?
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Oh yes, you really are having a bad time......you have reached a stage in the healing process where you are starting to have insight(about people only putting up with so much crap? Sorry if I misquoted!). You also are starting to have flashes of hindsight. Am I right? In reaching this platform, you will experience quite long periods of existential angst and spiritual fatigue. Why am I here, what am I doing?, How do I function as a human being? Where is all this going? Why and how did this happen to me?
With insight and hindsight and with the process of still learning the illness.......it is a bit like purgatory.......stuck between the not knowing and the knowing(with knowing comes action, consequence and responsibility
), you may experience grief over what you have endured, the battering of your soul, the guilt over self destructing(forgive me if I am way off the mark here......this is kind of what it was like for me at that "turning point"). Borderlines statistically have above average intelligence and I do not think you are self-centered at all. I think you are highly intelligent and are asking the big questions, my dear. Nothing wrong with that.
It will create long bouts of depression and introspection, but does it help if I tell you that it does pass? That all things are in flux and nothing EVER stays the same even if it feels like groundhog day? Physics dictates that nothing is suspended in time, time is also tied to movement(unless in a black hole or deep space!!).
Loneliness, unfortunately is one of the side-effects to "finding oneself". No one can possibly know what it is like for you.......I can have some idea, for I may have been where you are, but I still have not lived your life. In saying that, I will be as supportive as I can
Trust in this process, babe.......you have been handed the journey so few ignorants take......you will feel deep pain and suffering but that is because you are being reborn.......and rebirth, though infinitely rewarding and joyful, is not without hazards and treachery. Your search for your humanity is what drives you........if only seemingly "healthy" others would do the same, but they cannot because they have not been tested like you. Your journey is very, very precious.
The reward.........is the world in the palm of your hand. The wisdom, stillness and joy that you gain from this rebirth will give you great personal power......be ready, my friend.....
You take good care now.......and be very, very kind to yourself.......
We are here and you are not alone.......