currently looking for more resources online; i cant concentrate or take it in properly and i cant call a helpline for fear of my family hearing me. i might try emailling the samaritans but i dont want to waste their time. i apparently have no "real problems" anyway.

i keep posting, i know i should probably just stop, i don't deserve all of your compassion or advice or care or pity.

i feel utterly like my boyfriends phasing me out.. stupid, i know. and logically thinking he probably isnt.

but i just keep thinking that i dont want to play this game anymore.
i want out.
theres only one way out. and im not allowed to take it.

it hurts - everything does - literally everything. its another blow to the stomach, that sinking feeling, that emptiness.
my mothers words keep swirling around my head, stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself stop feeling sorry for yourself...

i dont want to play anymore.
let me out.