I'm not even underweight though, so they won't do anything.. I'm on AD's at the moment and we're still waiting for them to take effect.

How long has it been? Here's to hoping they help you realize that some of what you think about yourself is blatantly false lies and negative messages. But NOT the truth.

The staff at the hospital said it's probably down to my immune system not functioning as well as it should be, although they don't knwo about my ED. I didn't say anything about it, I didn't feel it was important.. Even if I have lost a stone... It took me long enough.

It IS important to tell the hospital staff that. Immune system malfunctioning is a symptom of not taking care of yourself. If you wind up in hospital with a flu or infection, not eating will further put your life in danger.

My dr probably wouldn't do anything because I'm not underweight. I won't allow myself to eat anything now. This morning was the last time until I next see my counsellor... At the earliest

Your dr needs a smacking. Not being underweight means you don't fulfil (some) of the criteria of an eating disorder right now. It doesn't mean you don't have one though! And it's easier to get help NOW rather than later. Call up your dr and book another appt. Please. Tell them the truth.

I know that others have got fed up of my ED and want me to stop starving myself so much, I knwo that they want me to just be normal, I know that they want all of these harmful behaviours to stop, but I just feel like I can't stop now. I did before... At least.. I tried to, but I just keep slipping back and everytime I do, it just gets harder and harder to get out. This time, I feel I'll never get out. So therefore I feel like there's no point in even trying to get out until someone else takes that control.

"Normal" is just another label. Stopping isn't easy. If they don't understand that, tough luck to them - it's an addiction, and addictions are tough to control and get through/over. You WILL get out if you seek help. If you accept help. If you ASK for help and admit you can't fix this by yourself. Nobody else wants to control you because that generally just makes an ED worse. Eating disorders are partly about control, we do it to control something in our lives since we feel like we don't have control in other life areas. People won't willingly take control of you and force you to do things unless you put your life in a LOT of danger. And YOU DONT WANT THAT. The pit gets bigger and deeper the longer you wait to be rescued by someone if you don't ask for help.

You know.. I don't even care if this kills me, or comes close to kiling me... Connor bawled his eyes out to me the other night and said he's scared of losing me... I asked in what way and then said "Is it because you think I'll starve myself to death?" and he agreed... I told him, promised him that I won't, but I knew.. Deep down, in my heart of hearts that I would do it if only it means I'll be thin and in control. I'd rather die than be who/what I am right now. Be as fat as I am now. Be just.. This disgusting, ugly, horrid thing that nobod wants to be around.

I care. Connor cares. People on PC care. YOU even care, even if it's a small part of you that is scared of dying that's really quiet and hard to hear. That's the rational non-ED message in your head. What you need to find and listen to. Being thin won't mean you're in control, because the longer you wait the more likely IT will be controlling you. And you won't be able to stop, even if you want to at that point.

You are not fat.
You are not disgusting.
You are not ugly.
You are not horrid.
You are not a "thing".

You are a HUMAN BEING.
You are a good person.
You are beautiful for who you are.
You don't disgust me, or anyone else here. Or Connor. Otherwise he would have left by now.
You are not fat. That is a bad message in your head.

I just feel like crying. But what's the point when no-one's here with me that even cares? That even knows why I'd be crying? That even wants to know, care or try to understand?? I just feel like giving up. I give up on food. It just makes me feel awful.

Crying is a good emotional release that is healthy. It's hard to let ourselves cry sometimes, but it is good for us. Just because you're alone in that moment doesn't mean you're alone period. People don't need to know why you're crying unless you want them to know. People just want to support you and people want to give you hugs and try to cheer you up when you're sad. That's what good people do when someone is crying, even if they don't know why they are.

Don't give up on getting better.
Don't give up on asking for help.
Don't give up on beating this eating disorder.
Don't give up on life.

and

Don't give up on yourself. You ARE worth it.

Thanks for your replies and again.. I'm sorry