((((((((SWA LUV)))))))))))

People are afraid to recover, because we fear change. Everyone does a bit, even if they don't know it.

What would life be like if I'd always been happy? What if I had sought help for myself sooner? What if I hadn't done this thing, that thing, whatever?

"What Ifs" are almost as bad as "Shoulds". They plague your mind and make you question stuff and generally drag you down. Not that it's bad to question stuff, but when it becomes an issue that's stopping you from healthy change - then it IS a problem.

Being anorexic or bullimic, or having an eating disorder shapes part of you, yes. But just because something is part of who we are at one time doesn't mean it's always going to be the same way. It doesn't mean we're allowed to stay the same.

We MUST change to adapt to our environments. That's what keeps people alive. That's why people resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like eating disorders. Because we're trying to survive.

But survival shouldn't be our end "desire" or goal. It should be to thrive, to live, to breathe, to love and to just generally ENJOY life in a healthy way. Which means we MUST MUST MUST try to stop resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms and replace them with healthier ways to deal with life stress and problems.

Don't go back to your old ways. If you've survived this long without resorting to anorexia, you must have learnt other coping mechanisms. What are they? Do you need to "update" them? Do you need to make a list of more new and healthy ones?

Changes do cause stress. Which can trigger an eating disorder or another unhealthy coping mechanism. But it doesn't HAVE to be that equation. Changing the way we think is hard, but CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is usually helpful for changing negative thought patterns. Like the negative ways we think about ourselves, or changing the way we do things - forcing us to think of reasons WHY we'd resort to not eating or bingeing/purging when we could do something that was ultimately better for us.

If you self esteem is low... perhaps you need more support in regards to that. There are self help groups, and therapy can also help to increase your self esteem. But only if you let it help, and only if you're an active participant in your treatment to get better.

I can relate to all you've said here, and I'm sorry I'm harsh with what I've said but DO NOT GO BACK TO ANOREXIA or an eating disorder to cope! Feelings of anxiety are normal with change, and it's quite normal to be anxious about school (you're talking to a student here). But if you're critically thinking about why you'd go back to anorexia, that means you've got to really ask yourself WHY you think it's a GOOD idea, and whether or not you'd recommend someone else do the same thing if they were in your situation. If you'd say they should try to take care of themselves and not try to restrict food intake or whatever else, then that should be the way you try to conduct your own behaviour. By taking care of yourself in a POSITIVE and HEALTHY way.