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Christina86 · Jul 16, 2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justalittleparanoid

I went what 4-5 months with out cutting. Longest i went except for thoes 6 months. Yesterday evening, I relapsed. I dont know what triggered it. I dont know what happend. I just cut. I miss the pain. I miss the pleasure that i get. I miss the blood. I dont understand why all this i should miss. I shouldnt miss all of this, but i do. And all the after effects like when it stigs and burns from water. I just dont know why. I smile, but i shouldnt. I was doing so well. I was keeping strong. I had methods. I had supports, I was able to cry for once.

It's a form of "grieving". We all grieve for things we've lost or missed, that's normal. Yes, you were doing well. But you're still doing well. You understand more of your behaviour now, which is something different than before. Congrats on making it that long - it is hard to do.

When I cut I cant cry. It just doesnt happen for me. I guess I dont need crying when I cut.I guess I dont need ager when i cut, I guess I dont need to show any type of emotion when I cut. I dont even need to be happy. who is happy when they cut. I mean who is truly 100% happy whn they cut. deep down inside truly happy. We all have our sadness. We all know we are hurt. We arnt broken, we arnt damaged. And we arnt sick. We just dont know any other way of coping, and this is our way, and for some of us we smile when we do it, and for some of us we cry. But we are all hurt inside.

This is very well written... you are right, we use self injury to get in touch with our emotions sometimes, other times we use it to turn the emotions off. We are all hurting and we do use it to cope.

I guess with this time my relaps was me punishing myself for all my mistakes during the past week. I got 3 tickets. And got into one accident. with a parked car. So I cant drive anymore. So I guess I was punishing myself for all my mishaps.

Look at that!! See, you are learning about yourself and your behaviours. If you weren't, you wouldn't have been able to identify a reason why you may have resorted to self injury to cope. That means progress, which means you're trying. Don't be too hard on yourself, I know that's hard to do - but you ARE trying.