I agree with the others. Bipolar (I have type I, but am mostly depressed, not manic) is a manageable, but life long illness. Most of us require meds and ongoing therapy for life. Don't get down on yourself for feeling bad again. It goes with the territory. It doesn't sound like you are on the right meds combo, and you need someone to talk to about your feelings, whether it's a friend temporarily or a professional for long-term help. Bottling it up and repeating "I'm cured they said" as a mantra doesn't work. I remember when they released me from the hospital they gave me a one sided zerox titled "Emotional Crisis." It was so laughably stupid I only read two lines. Yeah, sure. Sometimes I think that our healthcare system is trying to kill the mentally and physically ill so they can save money. However, we're the ones paying their salary. I don't know how much money my insurance has paid out, but it's too much for what little they've done to help me. My school's clinic provides better service at a lower cost than most of these pricey docs and hospitals.

Long story short. Get help. Suicidal thoughts don't go away on their own. I know. I was hallucinating and terrified that something was going to kill me if I fell asleep after the traumatic hospital visit. Only meds helped that.

From a sometime New Yorker, we're all neurotic, we all have strange thoughts, but if you get the urge to act on 'em, that's when ya gotta be worried and go to the shrink. That's what they're there for.