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Hmmm...seems to occur about the same time every year.
And this time, it's not a good time, because I need to kick start my life. Unlike most kids who practically hit the ground running I'm hitting the ground with a thud and can barely get back up. Forget moving for a second.
Apathy (I just don't plain care about anything anymore), indecisiveness, complete hopelessness, self-destructive thoughts (don't worry, I havn't done anything stupid yet) I can't even peel a mango without the feeling of wanting to slice myself up. And I'm very pain sensitive so it's not even like it'd be an even remotely pleasant experience. The one thing holding me back really is the fact that other people would be able to notice if I did that and I really, really, wouldn't want that. I like to keep my issues away from as many people as possible offline.
The most frustrating thing is that I want to enjoy my life while I'm still young but it seems all I am ever thinking about is either way off into the future (like, when I'm 75 and going to die soon-ish) or back into the past (which I'm still trying to sort out up from down and heads from tails). The only present thinking I'm having is usually kicking myself for not doing something like working or going outside and walking downtown or something just to get out. (though the thought of going out all by myself to anywahere besides something close by like a playground or something is practically panic-provoking)
The very thought of those self-help people and books is just sickening to me. They seem so FAKE, with plastic botox smiles and happy sunshine demeanor. They don't seem human, or really living. I want to make a little peace with myself, and live feeling fulfilled, but for god's sake I don't want to be THAT. I want to live on earth like everyone else.
I know I'm just being stupid and whiney, sorry for wasting time and space here to be ranting.
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