**Warning: could trigger b/c of talk of suicidal thoughts**
Also warning about the length of this post!

Hi all. I was wondering if any of you have had issues with PMDD and how you've coped. I haven't officially been Dx'ed (and I certainly have depression, anxiety, and mood issues anyway) without the help of hormones. But I've noticed a tendency since adolescence (I'm 25 now) of extreme depression/agitation/anxiety/irritability (and sometimes paranoia) the day before my period. The two times in my life that I've attempted suicide (at age 15 and 16) happened the day before my period. I used to be really irregular, and its not like I was expecting it...I had my attempt and the next day (or later that same day) started my period intensely. The feelings almost instantly went away when the period started, to the point that I couldn't imagine ever having felt the way I just had an hour prior. Any other time I've felt suicidal has followed that similar pattern. Fortunately, those times trickled off when I got into my late teens and early 20s probably b/c I got on BC pills. (And if it did happen, I was more able to control myself.)

In April 08, I had laser ablation of the cervix to treat precancerous cells. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but I missed a couple periods after (not pregnant), then when it restarted, it was coming every 2 weeks, in spite of the pill. Sometimes the "spotting" week (week 2) was heavier than the actual "period" (the dummy pills, week 4). Then the severe emotional symptoms came back...but I don't get them in week 4, only when I'm spotting! And again, they go away almost immediately as the spotting begins.

I thought my period just wanted to come during week 2 so I tried adjusting my cycle...I was able to shift it 2 weeks, but then that "week 2" (the former period week) became the heavy one with the mood issues. I tried taking it straight through without the dummy pills but then I just never knew when the spotting was coming. My OBGYN tried me on 2 different BC pills after that, higher doses. With the most recent one Femcon, I was doing better after a 2 month adjustment period-- no spotting, no suicidal freakouts, etc. A few months later though the spotting creeped back in and some day-before mood symptoms...but I was able to manage them and actually able to predict if I would be spotting based my mood. But yesterday, into last night and this morning, I became extremely depressed, tearful, anxious, agitated, sleepless, etc...I had suicidal/self-harm thoughts but no wish to act/die; I seriously thought I needed to be hospitalized. This AM, shortly after waking, it started up again, to the point where I was showering and actually looking around for something in the shower to self-harm with. I called a friend for distraction and got through it. Then a couple hours after I got to work, I felt better, and when I went to the bathroom, I noticed I was spotting quite a bit. And now, I actually feel pretty good. But this is week 3, and its never happened in week 3. What the hell is going on with me? I feel like now I can't predict at all when these feelings will come about. Its frustrating and scary too. (I also won't have insurance again until Aug b/c I switched jobs so I really "can't" go to the hospital.)

Its not that I feel suicidal every time...its just that every time I feel suicidal, its been the day before/of a period or spotting. Has anyone ever had similar experiences, or have any other suggestions? I know talking with my OBGYN (and pdoc, though he kind of minimizes the hormonal connection) again is key...which I was going to do anyway in Aug. But I've switched pills (and feel that I'm better on them than off, though its been awhile), and I'm already taking 2 antidepressants and a mood stabilizer (part of the reason I'm taking the mood stabilizer is these "symptoms"). I took a Seroquel for sleep last night, which usually knocks me out and that didn't help. I don't really know what to do...

Thanks!
Sam