I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now.

I'm finding myself in the same boat as you a lot of the time. I'm not a heavy drinker (I don't believe in drinking for the sake of getting drunk, plus it's dangerous for me to drink too much with the meds I'm on) or partier and I have never and will never do drugs. If other people want to, that's their right, but I cannot compromise who I am for the sake of fitting in. ---- SO much easier said than done when you're not being faced with your loneliness and confusion, isn't it?

My friends and I have started taking different paths since we all went off to university. Somehow, I thought we'd all be the same and when we came home at Christmas and over the summer we'd get along just as we always had. But the thing is, as you get older, you start discovering who you are and what you want -- not all of it, or life would be too easy! -- but you do figure out just enough, even if you can't lay your finger on WHY you feel that way, to know what is comfortable for YOU. I have friends who became huge partiers, I have friends who binge drink, I have friends who have experimented with drugs ... they are not and probably never will be as close to me as they were before. But I've discovered that after the mourning for these friendships ends, moving on from them and finding your own way through the world isn't so bad after all. It can be scary to branch off on your own and I know how terribly lonely it is as well, but it's completely healthy to feel that you're no longer comfortable being around people whose actions or behaviour simply aren't your style. Try not to beat yourself up for it, because I think what you're doing is completely healthy and very brave -- some people go their whole lives without letting themselves have a single independent thought from the group.

As to talking to someone, I urge you to give it a go. It's scary at first, but I'm sure there are plenty of people here who can tell you -- myself included -- that therapy ended up saving their lives. I know it doesn't seem like it but there ARE people out there who care about YOU, about your mental and emotional health, about what you're going through and about where you want to go ... and they have the means and skills to help you do just that. Even if you can't get to a therapist right now, or if you're still to scared to go, why not call or email your local hotline? There are professionals there who might be able to give you a few words of comfort and advice, and you are under no obligation to communicate with them more than once if you don't like it. You may also find that talking feels really, really good.

Good luck. I hope that you can get some of this stuff sorted out soon. I'm glad you posted here. Keep us posted on how you're doing.