Ok.. I haven't told you guys much about myself, so I will start. It is a long story and I am in tears right now.

First of all, I am 18 years old. I just graduated from my High School in June. I graduated without my Mother being there.. Why? She decided to walk out on my siblings and I when I was only 15. I lived with my two Grandparents and my Aunt for a while, and then when my Grandpa and I got into it one time (I didn't touch him, but he shoved me once) I moved back into my Step Dad's house.

The story behind my Step Dad... He was in my life since I was four, and for a while was quite a good Dad to me. My real Dad didn't come into my life until I was twelve, when he was found by the Government for not paying Child Support, so I really loved my Step Dad. Well, when I was younger he abused my mentally. It turned into physical abuse. For a couple of years, he would shove me, push me, hit me, leave bruises on me, and just get really violent. I was lucky it wasn't worse. My Mom at the time was a good Mother, and my Grandma is the one who saved me. She told him that if he did not stop, she would call the Cops. He was a Coke addict at the time and we didn't know about it, but he finally stopped. The physical abuse I took for so long turned back into mental abuse. That continued the rest of my life.

I had no childhood. I had to grow up way too fast. My Mother began to go crazy. She would go to her room, turn off the lights, take pills, and blare music while I had to watch my two siblings who always fought. My Step Dad would be at work, and of course he would come home screaming at me and telling me how horrible I was and how the house was never clean when he got home. He expected me to respect him, but I don't respect anyone who doesn't respect me, so I would talk back to him a lot. I felt defensive, because I had to be. My life sucked. My whole family hated me. My Mom and Step Dad got addicted to games on the Internet, so they always did that and wouldn't even talk to my siblings and I. Any time I would tell them "we aren't a family", they would all jump on my back, even my two siblings. I felt so alone. Plus, at the time I didn't respect myself very much and I had no self-esteem. I was also a bit over-weight, which I lost later but we will get to that in a minute.

So my Mom met a guy online from Seattle. We live in Texas. One night my Grandma told me all about it, because I had no clue. When that happened, my Mom knew I was at her house and she threw me against the wall and yelled at me. She was so close I could feel her breath against my face. I ran out to my Grandma's (who lives on our street) and my Mom followed me screaming at me saying that I was the one who pushed her. I didn't, I ran past her to get away. I did not put my hands on her.

After that incident I stayed the night at my Grandma's. Less than a week later, I was living with my Grandma. A few months later, my Mom walked out on my Step Dad and my Siblings and moved in with the guy from Seattle. I have not seen her since, and have only talked to her on the phone three times since then. That was over three years ago.

My life at my Grandparent's was better than at my Parent's. They loved me, but there were issues.. I don't want to go in to those right now though, I am going to get into the love of my life. A year ago, I met the girl of my dreams. A girl that I thought was just so amazing. She meant everything to me. She had the perfect personality. She was beautiful, smart, had the perfect personality, and was just everything I ever wanted. For a while, things between us were amazing. She had very low self-esteem, and so did I. However, I was gaining confidence at the time.

Unfortunately, she lowered my confidence throughout our relationship and I raised her's. I raised her's so much that she ended up trying to find someone else. She found someone who I believe rejected her, but she still talks to him and acts like he is her best friend. Which does make me jealous. Recently her and I got back together after being broke up so long.. She told me she missed me. Now, I can not over Rosie (the girl I am talking about), never have been able to. We broke up so many times during our relationship, and fought so much. We hurt each other a lot. However, I couldn't get over her.. Well, this time I finally felt like I was over her, until she told me I missed her.. I jumped in and got back with her.. Well, now today she has just told me she no longer wants to be with me. She says I am a liar, I flirt with other people too much, and I am too mean to her. So that is why I am crying.

Now I was so nice to Rosie, because I loved her so much. Even I admit, I was great to her. I wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much and always tried to make her happy. I hated seeing her sad. I always tried to make up for our fights. However, she wasn't always so good to me.. I would write her poems, send her long emails showing my love for her, and do things that would prove to her how much I loved her and she ALWAYS brushed them off. She'd laugh at my poems, ignore me emails, and act like I didn't really love her. So, yes, it was so hard on me... Now I don't know what to do...

I can be very suicidal.. Sometimes I just want to do something to kill myself. In the past, I have done drugs and been so high because I wanted it to kill me. I wanted to forget the World and just die. It didn't work, and it probably didn't do good things to my body, but luckily I stopped myself before I got addicted. I am also a cutter.. I haven't in a couple of months, but I am so close to a relapse right now.. I have scars I can't get rid of already. I don't want to add to it, but I don't know what else to do... Right now I am listening to music and trying so hard not to do something crazy.. I haven't done any drugs in a while, haven't cut myself in a while, and haven't even smoked a cigarette in a while.. But now I just don't now what to do.. I am still bawling and this is all just so hard...

I know I have it better than some of you guys.. I know this may seem like nothing to some of you, but it's hard on me.. Thank you all for reading.. There's my story.. If anyone wants to talk let me know because I could really use a shoulder to cry on right now..