sometimes i have this reoccurring thought or visualization when I'm really sad or something bad has happened. basically i am a little girl putting clothes and makeup on an in my mind (old and tattered mannequin).

when someone really hurts me (memories from the past or my "relationship" now). it's like chunks of this mannequin get blown off, crap is thrown on this mannequin, and the little girl is just crying in a corner wondering how she is going to get the mannequin to look good again, to be acceptable looking and not a grotesque freak. see the little girl works and works on this mannequin and shoves the thing out into the world everyday to go to school, to interact with people.

i know this all sounds nuts, and i'm not nuts....but when i am really devastated and very sad, i visualize this in my mind.

with my body and weight i am that mannequinn and if anyone knew how truly ugly i am due to the things that have happened to me from my decisions and others...... i would never be accepted.

i feel like if only my mannequinn could look right then the little girl would be ok.

now these are some of my deepest and darkest thoughts and i've never told anyone in my life...just you guys, please don't think i'm a freak.

if only i could fix that mannequinn!!!!