Hello and welcome
First of all, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. It takes a lot of courage and strenght to do this... know that it's much appreciated.

Second, you are not ugly. What happens to us does not make us ugly or bad. Please, don't think that of yourself. You're a beautiful person who deserves happiness and good things just like everybody else.

And I don't think what you described sounds nuts. It's just a coping method. When we suffer our mind needs to elaborate a way to survive without letting the pain crush us. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms and there's nothing wrong with that. You're not crazy and no one here will think you are.

Keep posting if it helps, ok?

Take care