Ok.
Here we are....My hub is trying to get answers out of me regarding how this marriage can be fixed.

He is insisting that I provide him answers, which I simply cannot do. I have none which satisfy him.....they are the 'wrong' answers....regardless what I provide...they are not the 'right' ones.

He wants me to make a post here..asking you all advice on what he should do, (he will not post for himself...again...something he needs to do for self, yet relies on me to do for him).
So...ok. I'm doing just that....Making a post on his behalf in order to maybe provide him a reply, (from any of you as I simply cannot give it to him).

Keep in mind that I am not angry whatsoever. I am at a loss with anything that he is seeking. We are aware of the emotional positions that each of us are in at present....yet, I am not capable of providing him the answers he seeks.

Basic rundown, (and I'll attempt to make this as short as possible):

Been married going on 13 years now. Were together 2 years prior. Have 1 daughter, born a year before we got married.
I was friends to him and his wife a # of years before she died tragically.
I moved in with him months after her sudden death, to help with his kids, and him to cope with their loss. He and I became emotionally involved months after that, (unforeseen).
I devoted myself to their care, with hopes that it would help them to ease her passing. What happened between us as a result was not intended.

Spent the following years raising his kids from his first, and contending to our own.
Early on, overlooking the fact that he never had the time to grieve her passing whatsoever. Denial of his loss of her took a toll on what we tried to construct. I guess we never had a chance at anything substancial. I didn't see it then, but that didn't stop me from attempting to build it, anyway.
We never had our own beginning, so to speak. I stepped in filling a void of his present...and we went on from there. Although, I was determined to try, anyway.
The verbal abuse started only months after our involvement began. He wasn't abusive before we became emotionally involved.
He was picking up where he left off with his first wife. He conducted himself basically the same way....HOWEVER...initially, SHE was the abuser..the aggressive-negative force in their relationship. While, his responses were to try to maintain the peace.
I can remember telling his wife to stop with her abusiveness toward him.
She was so very mean...not only to him, but her kids, as well.

It seems that his behavior toward me was only a continuation of where his emotional status was then..though, I can't be certain of that. It's just my speculation.

The abuse progressed from occassional verbal to daily verbal and a few times physical. Anyway...years passed. His kids grown and left home, leaving only our daughter to raise. It became just the 3 of us.

I tolerated his abuse for 7 years. Tried everything in my power to make the marriage work. I was alone in it. He was in his own world for 7 years.
Sometime within those years, I slowly began to let go emotionally.
I saw it coming. Pleaded with him to help me help us BEFORE I let go. To no avail. I reached my breaking point.I gave up. Fell into a deep depression....something that I have NEVER experienced before. Scared the living hell out of me...cuz..somehow, I knew that once I let go....I wasn't just letting go of the marriage...I was letting go of myself, too.

Ok...so..I've let go....That was about 4 years ago. Took an entire year for hub to even realize that I had, in fact, let go.......
Once he finally realized it...THEN he decides to put effort into salvaging us. And he did try. Still is trying.
I love him, sure. But I have nothing left to provide him at this point.

I know he is trying so hard, but...I'm not even sure why...I'm not responsive whatsoever. It has gotten to the point where I encouraged him to seek out companionship with another because I felt guilty for knowing that I'm presently incapable of giving him ANYTHING. I'm completely numb.
He has found another realationship..however, it is only filling in his void, once again. What goes on between them is their business, and I care not to know about it. I'm not harsh about it. In fact, I think he deserves it. For what it's worth, I don't want him hurting, especially because of me....even though he has been the cause of my present issues that I am having such difficulty with.

He has asked me if there is ever a chance between us to reconsile our marriage.
Marriage counselling is out of the question now, as I don't want it for US. Although, I would like for him to seek his own, so that he will, hopefully, come to terms with his issues (of past and present), and maybe find a sense of understanding within himself. Only he can fix his own owies. I've tried relentlessly, and failed terribly. NOT going there again.

When he asks me where I am emotionally....I can only reply with, "I cannot repair the damage while still within the wreck". Meaning....I believe I need to first remove myself entirely from here before I can actually view the full picture.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't even be posting this at all. I have a pretty good idea where we ARE and what we need to do from here.
When I told him that a seperation is in order, his first response was, "I can't afford a seperation". Clearly stating where his priorities STILL are..not on us. I understand that. Expect that. Accept that. It comes as no surprise to me whatsoever...and I don't care anymore.

He wants me to attend to our issues much in the way that I support many on this site. Not possible. He asked why I can't. My reply is, that I am not dealing with MY issues when I am attending to other's here. I am merely applying obtained knowledge to other's issues, and offering suggestions. That's all. That is easy.
I wish I could fix us. It's been long out of my hands and heart.

I suppose what hub is requesting from all of you is, in your opinion, what do you think he should do?

This ended up much longer than I intended, (but..lol...what else is new when regarding my posts).
I only hope it makes sense to you.

Appriciate your responses.

Thanks~

Shangrala