Tish...I am soo sorry.....

Omg...YOU had to leave...WITH the kids?
What an a--hole!!!!...Sorry, but....damn! It's men like that, (and I've had my share of them, too), who make it so difficult for the nice ones to have a fair chance. As well as creating a hate within ourselves that we have to contend with, along with all the pressures and stress as a result, which can create an enourmously overwhelming amount of negative emotions.

They have no idea, (not that they care to), of what damage that thier selfishness really does.

There was a time when I believe my hubs could have easily fit that mold of your ex, but since I've let go, his intentions have seemed to have become more of a means of attempts toward salvaging what's left between us, (with hopes of preventing my leaving), but only as a means of preventing him from resulting in being left alone. I still don't feel it's because of ME....you know? I feel it is as it's always been...about him.

I also feel that, although the abuse has deminished a great deal, the scars are still there, regardless. And all it takes now is just one harmful name and I immediately go into shutdown mode, and I hear nothing from there on. That one, single name brings it ALL back...all those years of being told how useless, worthless, ugly, insignificant, a loser, a lousy mother, failure, (and all those cliche foul names that abusive men so love to use, which are, of course, incorporated in with all the other harmful verbal attacks).

I have tried so many times to explain to him how harmful the names are. But, I guess, because they don't "see" the wounds, they are not real.

I resent him, which that alone angers me, cuz it is NOT my nature to harbor negative thoughts....so, I am left alone to deal with that..(though I feel I'm doing better with..thank God for my natural optimism).

I don't hate hub. There is a good person in there. He conducts himself with great appreciation & respect for all other's...except for those who should matter most...me and our dot.

I just cannot carry his cross any longer. I will not carry it any longer. And it was ever since I stopped carrying it, that we fell apart, (of course, that was my fault, too).
Since, he has expressed the fact that he does see the error of his ways, and has devoted a great deal to changing that. But, as I've said, all it takes is just one slip of his by calling me one name and I'm emotionally sent right back to go again. It's like taking one step forward and ten back. I cannot progress this way. I cannot heal. And it is not fair to any of us.

When I look at him, (which I try not to, anymore), I see only a man who is struggling to correct the years of wrongfulness. I appreciate it, sure. I love him, of course..I always will. But, I do not feel the attraction that was once there. I don't necessarily see the past, but as soon as the yelling begins, (which is a daily routine...for whatever his reasons), I feel the past. I then, shutdown.
Over the years, how I was once an attentive, appreciative. and caring woman to this man has transformed into a blank, empty shell of a person. I do not display hatered or anger whatsoever. I do not display...anything. And for that, again, I am resentful. I now have developed this shield around me as a natural mean of protection, (something absolutely new to me). Now, I am left with the task of learning how to demolish that shield.
I don't want to NOT be receptive of others, even if an arguement arrises. There are ways of attending to arguements to where they can be controlled to a discussion, instead. However, so long as I have this subconscious shield around me, which immediately goes up the first sound of yelling, I am cheating myself out of a fair chance of directing whatever conflict I will have confrontations with. I don't want that. I want ME again....and sadly, I simply cannot find her here...she's long since left.

There is a chance that hub and I may overcome all this. And, I don't like the fact of placing all the responsibility on the "one or the other", as it takes two to make it work. But, in this case, the long term fate of this marriage IS in his hands, now. And, I sort of already know where that will lead us...(although, I understand that miracles do happen). We'll see.

Take care Tishie...

Shangrala