BlackTears, your situation saddens and moves me. I've been mulling over what you wrote, but I struggle with what to share from my own observations and experience, desiring to offer only comforting, helpful words. Pomegranate is correct: “We all have to go on our own spiritual journey and find our own answers for the tough questions.”

“Loss of faith,” “loss of the feeling or sense of faith,” and the “transformation/maturing of faith” are three distinct phenomena. In your case, one or more of those is intertwined with depression, a complex depression involving both the external and internal. In my opinion, that would perplex anyone.

Try, therefore, to acknowledge your confusion and not pressure yourself to unravel it by any artificial deadline. You, heart and mind, are precious and deserve to walk your path at your own pace.