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Jul 19, 2009, 09:42 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 352
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 On Wednesday while I was sleeping during the
night, I dreamed that I committed suicide, but wasn’t happy once I did it. The suicide was successful, but I was still not happy. I didn’t even feel the great satisfaction when I self-harm in real life. I dreamed that I just couldn’t cope with my life anymore and that I just couldn’t move on, so to make things move along, I took my life so that the world would be happier without me and that life could go on. I guess that I dreamed about it because I’ve been so suicidal deep in my emotions that are hidden. I don’t know exactly why I can’t talk the feelings out, but I really feel them. The risks have been at top notch high. I don’t know what to do with myself or why I’m like this. I wish that everything could change like I could take a few steps back in life. I’m trying to get a hold of myself, but it’s so hard to right now. I’m getting so restless to the point of when I’m having all these insane panic attacks. I’m so upset and mad, filling my emotions with rage and fury, but mainly suicide. I guess that I’m not talking about these issues very intensely because they are just too painful to share and talk about. I guess that the emotional pain is causing me to have a lot of trouble talking about suicide because I’m afraid of what the effects will be if and when I talk about it. They’re so deep that I’m just totally afraid of sharing or letting them out of myself. I wonder if I’m ever going to become “normal” and not having these crazy thoughts, feelings, and sensations. I’m so tired of being here and not understanding myself, this is pushing me past my limit. The pain is killing me and I’m strong in the belief that I will end up killing myself. It’s a difficult concept to understand, but it is in my mind and cannot be freed. I’ve tried so hard to push all of this away, but it’s piled high enough to create another wall of bricks pushing me and prohibiting me from winning the game because the wall is there and magic isn’t going to push it away. I guess that nothing will. It’s inside me, but will not leave from my mind
 because it’s trapped so deeply
I'm sorry for posting this, but I have no help right now and just need to let some things escape me
 dance59326
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"Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop"
"When the world says 'Give up,' Hope whispers 'Try it one more time'" ~ Unknown
"To dwell in the here and the now does not mean you never think about the past or responsibility, plan for the future. The idea is simply not to allow yourself to get lost in regrets about past or worries about the past or worries about the future. If you are firmly in the present moment, the past can be an object of inquiry, the object of your mindfulness by looking into the past, but you are still grounded in the present moment"
 Thich Nhat Hanh
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