***Possible Trigger***

The only thing keeping me out of crisis right now is that I don't want to go to the hospital again and I don't want to scare my son. But I am so close to the edge. I don't know how long I can control this.

I have one day left of partial hospitalization (stupid insurance) and I have to tell them how I acted this weekend. I am so angry.
I am so ready to go off.

I have NEVER been this angry. I can't even describe it. I nearly jumped out of my moving car today and asked my husband to pull over and let me out. He wouldn't. When I got home I threw a few lawn chairs around and nothing was helping.

I am almost out of control. Then I'll get all depressed but agitated. Thinking horrible thoughts about how I want to disappear and die and I don't deserve to be a part of a family because I ruined the day. We tried to go kayaking today and we got all the boats on the car and drove around looking for a good spot. I kept saying no because the tide was too low, or there were too many people, or there was poison ivy on the way down to the water. I was freaking out and getting madder and madder. I put a welt in my leg from my fingernails holding so tight. I think I was having an all-afternoon anxiety attack. I felt like I was having chest pains, and I was breathing shallowly and I just couldn't get a grip. Finally I took my hat off my head and tried to rip it. (Stupid material was space age or something and wouldn't tear)

Right this second I am a little calmer because everyone is out food shopping and before that someone came over and brought their dog to visit.

I don't know what is going on with me. I think I am out of my mind. I am sitting here alone with a headache now. I feel so guilty because I ruined a beautiful day that we had planned for a whole week with my stupid disease.

I take 1200mg of Trileptal as a mood stabilizer (I am so not stable) and 1mg of Ativan to sleep at night. GRRR.