OMG.

T and I talked a little about whether he should read it. I told him my feelings about it. And we decided to just do it.

He sat by me on the couch and reached out for my hand partway through reading it. He had told me I was in charge and he would stop whenever I said to. I had to have him stop a bunch of times because I thought I was going to throw up but then I would get it back together and tell him to go ahead. He kept checking with me to make sure that I was still "there" - that I knew I was me and he was him and he was reading and we were in his office.

I wanted to be present, grown up me, the whole time and it was hard. It was like lifting 45872930572934058734059 pounds.

I'm not sure if I heard the whole thing. I really really tried, but I was kind of outside of myself. There, but not there too.

I remember that T said right when he finished reading it "It's over". He said "you told and it's okay, you're not alone with it anymore". He said "I'm not going to leave, and my feelings about you haven't changed"

We didn't talk much for the rest of the session. Just kind of sat.

There was this one moment where all of a sudden everything felt so...open. My mind relaxed, and everything looked beautiful for a second. Usually when I diss out with T, everything looks scary. But instead of scary eyes, I saw flowers in the pattern on his carpet. Instead of being triggered by the light coming in the blinds, I saw dapples of pretty light. It seemed like there was more air and more light in the room.

But it was just a moment. A good moment. Then my throat got the choking feeling. T wanted me to stand up, but I couldn't, so we sat up straight on the edge of the couch and kind of leaned on each other. He told me to try to stand up. I did, but I had to sit right back down. My legs were jelly.

When I left, T looked at me for a long time before he let me walk out the door and he told me to sit in my car until I would be okay to drive. He told me to leave him a message.

So I sat in the parking lot and left him a message. Said all of the things I couldn't say in session - all of the bad feelings I'm having, how scared I am. Feel teen pushing at me, hard.

I think I thought we would do this thing - he would read it - and it would be OVER - but now I get that it's just the beginning of it being over. I need to read it myself. I need to get it out of the third person and make it about me, not "some little girl". I need to do a lot of stuff.

I guess T will leave me a message later. I feel horrible. I feel ashamed and pathetic and just generally like a bad, stupid person.

Oh - but I wanted to say that as I walked into T's waiting room, I actually thought about PC and the people here and I FELT this sense of being supported. That felt good.

That's it for now, I guess. Thanks for letting me get it out.