(My note: I added trigger icon. Probably unnecessarily, but I don't know if I'm a good judge right now so better safe than sorry I'd say)

So. Two hour session today (her "offer" because of my commute time so we can get more work done as well).

Unfortunately means I'm not able to see her as often because it costs a lot of $$$$ and I don't have a lot of it. I digress, but I don't see her until the 3rd week of next month. Blargh.

First hour was peachy. I wanted to talk about academics and my future career choices and stuff. She gives good advice and is a good sounding board.

Second half?

Uhhhhhhhhhh...

<--- lots of those

I feel pathetic.

We talked about the "effects" of the abuse. We didn't even discuss the event for pete's sake...

And guess who couldn't stay focused and dissociated because she was picturing it in her mind?

Yeah, me. (Duh Christina)

I wound up hitting the table with my fist because jarring myself like that usually snaps me out of it. Did it? Not really. She thought I was trying to stuff my feelings, and that's likely true to an extent...

but honestly, I need to grow up.

I came into therapy (she said I started seeing her a YEAR AGO NOW yikes) to deal with this abuse issue.

And I've dealt with everything else. Stuff related, but not.

Pandoras box of issues.

Erm, Christina's box of issues. Likes popping open.

I'm in a dilemma.

I can't get over it and forgive myself. Because I still hate him. I still hate him because I can't confront him because he's family and it would ruin my family.

So I'm stuck hating myself, and being resentful and hurt and stuck with these freaking emotions. And I still hate HIM I just can't forgive him. Which I need to do to some degree to get out of this. Hating him hurts ME ultimately, not him. He doesn't know what I feel and never will

Christina's box opens enough to let out the "hating him" part of me on occassion, but the emotions aren't being dealt with and are holding me hostage.

And darnit, I HATE THAT.

(I also hate the emotion "anger" and all that it entails, go figure)

I feel doomed.

One month 'til I see her again - and then for another 2 hour session, which WILL be spent on abuse stuff, even if it drives me crazy. I need to stop wasting time.

Darn, I'm a freaking control freak.

Oh well, today was a write off anyways. 2 hours of therapy made me hate myself, my life, my family, him, GOD, and gave me a freaking headache of DOOM and made me irritable and dissociative and numb and just generally...

not a happy camper, and I shouldn't have been around people.

I should've stayed in bed. Which I DID do earlier this evening. 7pm until 11pm. No wonder it's 12:48am and I'm wide awake.

Blah.

And I've got my psychiatrist appt on Thursday. One hour appt, we're supposed to talk about my career/future stuff like planned.

Unless I'm still a wreck, in which case he gets to deal with me like this.

(I'm sorry for those who actually read this. I can't say I MADE you read this - I didn't - but I still feel guilty. A lot of guilt drives Christina and her life)