Today I went to see my doctor. I've only met her once before, because I was diagnosed by a doctor at my hospital, and from then on all of my medical stuff has been taken care of by my doctor in Scotland. I told her that I've been having mood swings, that I'm easily upset, that I'm starting to feel run down and unhappy. She asked me what was going on in my life, what I thought might be contributing to this ...

I burst into tears. In the middle of her office, in front of a woman I've only met once. It was humiliating. She had to keep reminding me to breathe. She was really good about it, and she got me to calm down and she's raised my meds and is going to have one of the practice's therapists call me as soon as possible. It was still really embarassing to have to walk out of that office and through a waiting room full of people, face all puffy from crying. Then I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes and fell apart. I met up with my best friend right after the appointment and she just hugged me for a long time then distracted me with lunch and shopping and talked about nothing that involved a whole lot of thought or emotional involvement. I'm really lucky to have her.

I'm home now and I feel like crying again. I don't want to feel like this any more. I don't want to go back to therapy, to have to go through the whole process of getting to trust a new therapist ... it takes me forever to open up, to so much as make eye contact when I have to talk about myself and my depression. I want to, I want to SO BADLY because I know that getting everything off my chest is what I need to do, and being honest with my T is the only way they can help me, but it's like the words make it to my throat, then just stop, and I find myself saying anything other than the things I really need to say.

I don't have time for the appointments this is going to take even though I know I really need them -- but I can't take time off from work to go to therapy, and I'm certainly not going to tell my boss/co-workers that I'm depressed. I guess I'm going to have to, but I'm still worried about messing with my work schedule ... I don't want them to think it's because I'm lazy and don't want to work, but I don't want them to think that I have any serious health problems either.

Today, my boss gave me tomorrow off because she realized she'd booked two people to work the same shift. I REALLY need the day off, to curl up by myself and just be quiet and calm. I'm curled up with my dogs right now, wearing one of my dad's shirts because it smells like warmth and love and security, crying yet again even though I really thought I had no tears left to cry. I just want to be left alone, I want to be very still and silent and do nothing at all. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I want to escape.