NO, it is not all games and gardens. There are at least 20 of my alts who were programmed to commit suicide and others born to stop the suicidal ones. We have alts with so much hurt and anger and fear and shame and horror. We have very few who have ANY games and gardens. The most of childhood they ever get is the times we can hold a teddy bear and cry. we have toys and art supplies that we can't even use and I do not know what is in place that prevents them from having most any fun at all. It SUCKS BIG BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I do understand your feelings about those who seem to have little flower children dancing around and having starry flowery experiences. I do have the ability to be glad for those who do have some fun for their littles. I just don't happen to be one of them.

Our childhood was violent, evil, perverted, ritually abused and we experienced the lowest and most vile of human depravity and I'm just glad that as gloomy as we can be we survived. If it were not for God and his help we would have never survived past 18.

I look forward to the day I can play, have joy and be light-hearted. I am so tired of me and my grimness and me and my dissociation. For today there is the tired determination to keep on keeping on until it is finished. That is the only thing I know to do and I am soo tired, but I'm just not finished.

Sorry that this shifted from your words to my own "stuff". I wish and I hope that joy, creativity and light will come to you and bless you and help to counter the deep and deadly darkness you have tried so hard to escape and heal from will happen sooner than later. Hugs if you can accept them!

Leslie and her Pixies and Teeners