I struggle with this a lot too. While I have found that when I do allow myself time to just "space out", it helps me overall, I also have found that those are not used here either. More often, there are drawings drawn on scraps of paper and backs of envelopes rather than the beautiful notebooks and/or pages that are bought. Even if I do not remember buying the art supplies, they are still often not used. T and I discuss this periodically and are working toward being able to open the packages and/or use the supplies, but I don't know what prevents my brain from using them either.

One of the things that do seem to bring comfort though is stuffed animals. But, T gave us a couple stuffed animals and she said she was told that we couldn't use them in case they were lost or messed up. She said she told me that it would make her happy to see the bears become threadbare from use but she doesn't know if it was received. The bears often are hidden in weird places.

I'm hopeful that we all can learn to enjoy life one day. I think when we were not allowed to enjoy it as children, it's understandable that we do not know how to do it in our adult lives. We learned how to survive and be noticed the least. Playing and making messes, for me, did not fit into that survival mode. But I do think it's learnable and I'm so glad that so many here have been able to get to that point. Hopefully we all will someday.