**WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE IN A SAFE PLACE. IT CONTAINS SOME DISTRESSING STUFF AND WE DO NOT WISH TO HURT ANYONE. WE JUST NEED TO VENT.

I was at T's today and we went again for the 1000th time toward the scariest evil we experienced in a ritual and we have never been able to get to the feelings. We have dodged this part of recovery for soo long. It scares us so badly. It was so evil, beyond belief - but my insiders who have the memory and experienced the horror and pain and fear do not want anyone to ever get into it with them. they are so willing to do anything to keep from revisiting those hellish moments. we've dealt with almost every kind of sexual assault and violence and brainwashing and creepy cult activity and were torn apart emotionally by those who were supposed to be family. but this was ritual murder and we were there and we were made to choose who lived and who died and we had no real choice - that was a trick so i would feel guilty for the terror-stricken choice of me who got to live and then they made me kill, though they held my hand on the weapon and provided the force. we thought we were a murderer and we wanted to die of shame and guilt and we spent 40+ years hating ourselves and hurting ourselves and risking our own life because we did not deserve to live after we murdered someone.

we will never know if they sacrificed a living child or if they fooled us with a doll, the trauma was overwhelming to a small child and it all blurred into such nightmarish images. their point was to create in us a self-destructive hatred of our own life and they wanted to use us to hurt others and then die before we ever told on them. they all escaped in this life and most are all dead now. but i do think God will deal with them after death.

it shouldn't happen to any child. it happened to me. as the adult i can call it what it was and i know where the real guilt lies, but there are hurting, fearful, rage-filled parts of me inside that can't deal with it and it is holding us all back from healing. i've been in counseling for 14 years with the T who dxd us with d.i.d. and this one thing has been the root of all our resistence to dealing with our past - not that the other abuse didn't hang us up too. last week she told us she had never worked with someone who had more programming inside to keep things hidden and blocked.

i loved and wanted babies even as a small child, but when i finally had my two children motherhood was a nightmare of fears i did not understand because i had blocked what they made me do. such evil is so terrible i go blank trying to write this stuff.

i don't want to gross out people and i am sure not asking for anyone's sympathy. i just had to finally put it down out here and call it what it really was. i keep hoping my little broken girls inside will find the courage to assign the blame to the really guilty people, the pathetic cowards who took pleasure in harming and killing children. we were so terrified of them and we didn't even see what miserable vermin they were. they were sick, degenerates who got hideous pleasure out of doing unspeakable things to tiny beings with no power. how hard is it to dominate a small child? they were like frankenstein or dracula to me and froze me in horror and they were about as impressive as cruel people who pull the wings off of flies. they thought they wielded supernatural power and they were filthy posers who had no character or strength or dignity. some of them were supposed to be my family and they were like nazi guards in a concentration camp - inhuman devils.

we've hung in there a long time and i believe we will finally go through this too and move on to a place where we just live and have no need to fragment our thoughts and memories. i just hope we can help our little ones inside and somehow just go through it and beyond. they deserve a life beyond the nightmare.

Leslie, hoping to lead her littles out to safety sometime soon