Wow

I can't tell you how it felt this morning to wake up and find so many supportive posts. Overwhelming, in a good way.

I think last night was so hard because it's the first time - FIRST time - I've just sat with the feelings without dissociating or using a bad coping skill. I honestly didn't even know it was possible to feel so unbelievably horrible. Because I've never let myself feel it before.

T's message did help. He sounded very tired (it was 10pm) but he was supportive and kept saying he was proud of me. Part of me is still really skeptical...like how can he even stand to think about me, let alone leave me a message or sit in a session with me after what I told him...but I am trying to believe that it's true...that he still does support me and care about me. It's hard, REALLY REALLY REALLY hard.

I never ever ever thought I would get to this point. Not "done" with it, but at least at the beginning of being done with it. There is so much grief, I'm not even sure what the grief is about. Just a lot of big, deep feelings.

I see T again tomrorow, and then again on Friday, and then I go on vacation for a week. To the beach. I hope I can get to the point where I can let my brain and my soul take a break and just let the waves and the sun wash away some of what I'm feeling. I really, REALLY hope I can get to that point. I know it won't be over, but a break would be nice.

Speaking of being over...that's the part of session that keeps replaying in my mind. When T finished reading it and said "It's over". It's over. Can that be true?