Very well written Wanttoheal! I relate to how you are. I can't seem to give myself permission. I feel deeply INELIGIBLE for good, fun, sweet, joyous, messy, silly, SPONTANEOUS, creative, orderly safety and helping boundaries to keep my little ones feeling safe. Consistency is not in our repertoire.

For the most part I was only allowed to experience things through reading books - one step removed from reality and REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE.

DO YOU EVER SAY THINGS AND THEN INSIDE THEY ALL TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS THAT DISPROVE WHAT YOU JUST SAID? I am NOT lying or exaggerating, I am trying to find a way to put my thoughts down because something has got to change very soon or we are gonna be in a very destructive place and I WANT TO PREVENT MORE HARM TO ANYONE INSIDE, ESPECIALLY THESE MOST TRAUMATIZED TODDLERS AND SMALL CHILDREN. Someone's gotta help me save our babies so they can stop trying to die - I don't mean anyone here (though you are all SO kind and helpful)

Boy, insomnia has sure made me talk a lot. Sorry if I am TMI'ing you all.

leslie and insiders