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Hi! I'm new to this site, but definitely not new to depression. When I was still a child (I'm now 39), I was admonished for being "too sensitive". In my teens and early 20's I was told that I was "uptight", "emotional", "easily offended", and "thin-skinned". I used street drugs at 20 and 21 to numb myself, so that I wouldn't take everything to heart. I was finally accurately dignosed in my early 30's, while in recovery (this time for alcohol) with bi-polar, depression, and ptsd. (The ptsd part was due to a series of violent relationships I'd been in, the last and final one resulted in me being stabbed numerous times in the genitalia). So, with a treatment plan consisting of paxil, sleep meds, and weekly counseling sessions, my life is pretty stable and once again, successful. There's certainly no more drugs or alcohol!
Throughout my life, I have never had a particularily high self esteem or sense of self-worth. I never really felt like I fit in anywhere, and although I have an exceptionally high I.Q., I am pretty sure that it was my looks that opened up so many doors for me in my life. I mention this because (I think) it has something to do with what's currently going on in my life.
Due to meds that I take for liver disease, (I have hep-c, cirrhosis, and pancreatic fibroids), Over the past two years I have gained around 40 pounds. And even though rationally I know that what really counts is on the inside, not outward appearances, (and my huge heart is probably my only redeeming quality), (there I go again!!!), I feel debilitated by this weight gain. When I get complimented on something that I'm wearing or a new hair-do; I honestly feel like I'm going to have a panic attack right there on the spot. I simply CANNOT take a compliment anymore without feeling as though these well-meaning people are thinking that "oh, if only she would lose that weight". Please understand that that is NOT how I feel when I look at someone, I've only ever been superficial about MY OWN looks, no one elses. So why can't I get it through my head that someone else may be as sincere as I am when I give a compliment? This has only been a minor issue with me throughout most of my adult life, it certainly never was as bad as it is as of late. (About the last 8-9 months). Anyway, as I said it is debilitating to me, I do not wish to go out and socialize, instead I prefer to stay in my own apartment, alone, reading or on the computer where no one can see me. I guess I also need for you all to understand that if I were someone else, I would think that I was really pretty, almost even beautiful. What the hell is wrong with me? My counselor is trying to grasp this change in me and can't figure out why, since I've never been the shallow type, I am allowing this to dictate my life. BTW, I am divorced but am WAY too afraid of rejectionb to put myself out there in the dating world again. Any advice will be appreciated from anyone. Thanks.
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