Hi, I have not been around for a while or lurking reading some posts and things and well I am starting to ponder the fact that I may spend the remainder of my life alone with no Life Partner. I also live in a small rural town or city that is very much haters of anyone gay, lesbian or even racial origins.

I guess now in my late 30's I worry. I hate that I was born gay and have come to terms that I believe I am strictly gay and feel at times very alone and lonely as I have no gay friends and at the same time I am in the closet for the most part.

My mother outed me to the entire church and community in whole way back 20 years ago when I was young. I still find her hating me for this and we have not ever talked about any of my former gay relationships or guys I was dating.

I to be honest have been in love only like twice in my life. I was in love at the age of 19 and it was a long and dragged out battle of secrecy and verbal and physical abuse (I never talked back or hit back I was the victom and now a survivor). There was never any real romance and I was so much in love that even though he had a gf the last 9 months we had contact, the sex stopped and that was ok with me but then I began to develop the schizophrenia and other mental illness by age of 21yo so ended up in a hospital only not before going off my rocker at the age pre hospitalization age of 21 where I went on a binge of one night stands and on off lovers.

I then thought I would never fall in love again untill the number 2 man I was with for over 4 years and still today we try to have some sort of long distance friendship as he is now proclaimed and I believe him as straight, while I hate myself for even being gay and admitting I am gay. This relationship was also very on and off. I was always willing to take him back and our romance was very odd as he remained impitant during the entire duration of our relationship.

So now over 7 or more years have passed since I have romantically been with a man and am pretty much old and celebite. I am schizoaffective and OCD and find that I have a difficult time mainting friendships with the same sex, even though I know that my best frind is straight, I can't help but sometimes having fantasies of being a couple. I am not a forceful person and want what he wants and that is a woman for him to give him children and yet I worry. I feel like I know that just as I feel I was born gay he was born straight and so the fact that I am some love with him, but not to the point that I would do anything to hurt him by sabatoging a hetero relationship for him and he would not do that to me either.

Yet I find myself hating myself for at times during the extreme highs of the illness that do not come around that often, to wait for the fantasy or moment of feeling I am in love with him to pass and get back down to reality. This false feeling of being in love only adds to my self hatred of being attracted to the same sex. Is there anyone else who struggles with short term feeling like maybe they are in love with a straight friend and worry that they would break the friendship forever if they know you have these feeelings sometimes? Do you hate yourself if yes or if you are ok do you have any advise. I am confused and unsure and very insecure already and at times wonder if I am actually a woman trapped in a mans body.

Thank you for reading this and any advise that is not cruel or hatefull would be appreciated. kk101