I have been at another site at which the threads of who is gay and not gay come up quite often. Also, there are many people who answer that they are gay and I would say that about 90% are comfortable with who they are.

As I am a straight male I cannot claim to understand what you are going through but your main concern seems to be that you hate yourself for being gay and for that I am truly sorry. No reason to feel that way, but many of the gay men I became friends with had similar feelings and many dealt with it by moving to a more acceptable gay community.

I don't suppose there is any possibility of moving to another area which is more accepting of gays and might therefore give you some relief in this regard. Regardless, you are an adult male who should not have to worry about what others think. You have a solid grasp on the boundaries which exist with your straight friends.

Have you had any therapy for any of your issues? If not, perhaps it's worth a try. This society is so unforgiving that it boggles the mind and all we can do is try and sort out our issues within our own skin at the very least.