((((( Tomi )))))

In my understanding, a child probably doesn't even think of how to protect himself. Something from within takes over.

How true. I assume some sort of natural instinct takes over, fight or flee. What dynamics and environment would the fight reaction have created? What of a flee reaction? I think I chose to respond differently at different times.

In my situation, to fight back was a challenge to her. She had to prove she was bigger, smarter, stronger. It often ended with the arm ready to strike pose, the burning black eyes..... It was do it her way, or take a licking.

When I chose to flee, she always seemed to toss in an extra insult or comment to cap off her victory. Winning wasn't good enough, she needed domination.

Either way, I felt bound, gagged, and whipped.

I learned that some people were very insecure about themselves. That they used domination of others to improve their self-image. I understood at a young age that ego can be an ugly thing sometimes. I began to practice modesty, even when I won a school competition, or had my assignment used as an example in class, I denied myself any feelings of victory. I wanted the recognition, but I wouldn't let myself really feel it. I began to despise braggarts, people who always seemed to say the right thing at the right time, always had the cutest outfits, the prettiest girlfriend, the nicest car later when I was older. I still operated on the edges of these circles, but I never was one of them. They wouldn't have me because I was "b-class" person, and I wouln't have them because they wouldn't have me. The message I recieved from my step-mom reached farther into my life than I realized before now. Because of the ugliness I saw in her personality, I denied myself any good feelings about me, and I developed negative views of "the in crowd."

No, I cant change bitxx woman, but I can see her in a different light as you've suggested. Maybe I can even be grateful. I think any person in that position in a childs life , during those important formative years, is going to have a major influence on the child. It could have been worse. Maybe I shouldn't blame her so much. Maybe I saw the most evil fragments of her personality. Maybe I magnified them. Maybe there was no chance for her to do anything right. I wanted my mom. Not her, not anyone else. Maybe I should give her a break. Maybe she didn't realize the important role she was playing in my life. Maybe she didn't want to become insta-mom to a 10 year old. Maybe I wasn't the little angel I remember. Maybe no one would have been "right" for me. Maybe that's how she felt.



"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius